i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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