masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
