Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
