the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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