we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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