I will die if light touches me.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
