Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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