I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize