I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
