hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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