TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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