I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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