i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Two words: blizzard sex
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
