mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
