I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
