I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
