My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
