My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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