he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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