So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize