On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
