I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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