I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
