Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
