There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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