I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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