Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
