i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dignity is for republicans.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dicks are not precious.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
