Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Randomize
