I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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