I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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