we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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