Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize