Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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