If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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