So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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