pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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