I wish life had little blips of pornography
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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