I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
