so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
