I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize