i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
