The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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