Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
