; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
