I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
