You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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