I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
