just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
