I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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