It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
