Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
