That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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