You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
