I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
