If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
