Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
