JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
if only i could text you this smell
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
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