Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
