alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize