she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize