got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
