dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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